Lucky....

Her Highness and the neighborhood Princesses took swim lessons from a former friend/high school classmate of mine in August. It was surprisingly good to see her and meet her two sweet daughters. In the midst of our catching up, the question was asked if I worked. I replied that I did not. Her reply, which is typical of many working mothers, was "Oh, you're so lucky!"

Perhaps you agree. If you do, you are probably one of the women who never stayed home full-time with your child/children. I will first off state that I am blessed to have the opportunity to be with my children when they are sick and not have to worry about day care, etc. I will also say that I haven't missed any of their milestones and that, too, is a wonderful thing. I must also say that I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

BUT, it ain't all it's cracked up to be. And that is how I answered the swim teacher. I am always with them. Always. That means when they are fussy and sick, I am cleaning up vomit and rocking. For hours. Now that The Conqueror is with us and I am still in school (forever), he does have a sitter that he spends 8-10 hours a week with. Thank God for this woman. She is the only thing that has kept me from the psych ward at the local hospital some weeks.

RxMan is a great, hands-on daddy. But he works. A lot. And his shifts are long. Very long. He does not have a regular 9-5 job that most professionals do. So, when he is gone, it is for the entire day. When he is here, he is a ginormous help and I appreciate it. But he is gone quite often and on bad days, I am all alone.

The sitter, Will's "Nanny", is a godsend. She will watch him when he is fussy, sick or just didn't sleep well and to give me a break. As I said, God Bless her because she is a lovely person and we are so lucky to have her in our lives.

But, the staying home is hard. It is lonely. Some days, I die for adult conversation. Or conversation at all because, as you know, eight month olds don't have much to say. And my son isn't a good napper. His sister was but this boy. Oh. He will be the death of me. If he naps in the morning, it is unlikely that he will sleep long or well in the afternoon. And if he doesn't, by about 5PM, he is ready to pass out but, oh, Lord, I can't let him go to sleep at 5:00 because then he would want to get up at 3AM, instead of his usual 5:30AM.

I'm not complaining. Well, okay. I am. But, I chose this. I did. Sometimes, quite often, in fact, I wonder why. But I did. I wanted to be with my son as often as possible because they are only this little once. But, as I inch (and I mean inch) closer to completion of my long awaited degree, I dream of a little part-time job (y'know making 6 figures, of course) where I get to dress up and go to a place where there are other people and accomplish something in a day. Oh, it makes me positively shiver to imagine.

Some of you are shaking your head in disgust, I know. You are thinking, I would love to stay home from my job and be a full-time mom but, financially, I just can't afford it. What is she griping about? I understand these thoughts. Really, I do. And, again, I am very, very fortunate that this is a choice I am able to make.

I guess what I am saying is the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I am probably not well-suited as a stay at home mom; I am a pessimist. I am impatient. I hover on depression a lot. Days at home alone for 8 hours with a high-maintenance infant are monotonous and I miss interaction with others and intellectual stimulation.

But, then I look at the little face of my handsome son and beautiful daughter and think, oh, I am lucky to spend this time with them. So, as I prepare to graduate in the spring or summer, I wonder if I really will seek out that fabulous little job or will I go on to grad school so I can still be a mostly full-time mom? Any guesses?

Aren't I lucky to have the choice???